I have not spoken to David Letterman, his wife or anyone associated with them. If I had, I would not write about it. My commentary is based on decades of experience in helping couples successfully deal with infidelity and sex addiction. Mr. Letterman is not the first public figure to cheat on his partner; he won’t be the last. He is, however, an over-the-top example of how not to approach infidelity and sex addiction.

If you are cheating on your partner, if you know someone who is, or if your partner is cheating on you, I hope you take this opportunity to learn from David Letterman’s mistakes.

Here’s what I advise: 1- Be honest. 2- Protect and comfort your partner. 3- Don’t involve your children. 4- Be careful about developing new addictions or returning to old ones.

The importance of honesty. When Mr. Letterman’s wife first confronted him about his cheating, he made one of the worst mistakes.

He responded like most unfaithful partners; he tried to lie his way out of it. A ruthless strategy some employ is to tell the partner, “I would never cheat on you. I love you more than anything in the world. I would never do anything to hurt you.” That’s the sympathy play. Then comes the kick in the stomach, “You’re the one with the problem. You don't trust. You’re attacking me. You don’t have confidence in me and in the relationship because of your problems.” Then the cheater gets the partner to apologize!

I don’t know if David Letterman tried that approach. What he did was not as bad but it was awful. By confronting him, his wife was giving him an opportunity to come clean with her. When someone asks you for the truth, they don’t want more lies or half-truths. They want you to be completely honest.

But Mr. Letterman had been living a lie for so long, he did not hear the plea for truth in his wife’s voice. He was listening more to his own voice that was telling him, “Protect yourself. Tell her nothing. If you have to tell her something, tell her as little possible.”

Mrs. Letterman was giving Mr. Letterman the chance to tell her everything. He looked her in the eye, sincerely, and lied by admitting as little as he could and hiding the rest. She, like most partners in her situation, probably put her doubts aside because he promised her that there was nothing else to tell. When the whole truth comes out, as it usually does in these situations, the partner feels, “I can’t trust him. Even when I believe I can trust him, I can’t trust him.” Her pain and anger is almost unbearable.

Mr. Letterman should have told his wife everything when he had the chance.

Most conventional, licensed therapists and Twelve-Steppers do not recommend total and complete honesty to someone in Mr. Letterman’s situation. Their advice is just plain wrong.

If you are cheating on your partner and your partner confronts you, don’t make David Letterman’s mistake. Tell the whole truth. If you have made his mistake, go back to your partner and tell her everything, the sooner the better. I know you’re afraid that your partner will end the relationship if you tell her everything. Let me suggest that you’re looking at the situation through the filter of “Lies are the best way to save a marriage.” You’re wrong. You’re partner wants the whole truth. If you have not read the first 48 chapters of my book, The Most Personal Addiction, I hope you take the time to. It will help you understand what your partner is going through.

You can’t save a marriage by protecting yourself. You save a marriage by giving your partner what she wants. She wants the truth. Nothing less. Ask David Letterman.

Copyright Joe Zychik 1999-2008. Attn. Webmasters, students and researchers and everyone else: Please obey fair use laws. Thank you.